It's Not An Owenership...It's a Partenership!

“The marriage of one husband with one wife is the precious jewel of human life.”- Emanuel Swedenborg

Once upon a time, it was simple. You got married, had kids, worked the land, and stayed married whether you could stand each other or not.

From my own personal experience marriage is truly a “labour of love”. It is a gift and a privilege that we can share our good and bad part of ourselves with another human being. Unfortunately, we bring forth some of our bad habits, for example: control, blame, you said, she said! A continued power struggle between two individuals that forget why they are married in the first place.

I discovered that marriage takes regular maintenance. Back in the day, I was tempted to think that once I got married, the work is over. Actually the work is just beginning, and if a marriage doesn’t have daily maintenance, it will fall apart much faster than any vehicle.

I realized that a lot of my conflict was created because I never use to take responsibility for my own personal needs. I expected my husband to recognize, and be responsible for meeting my needs. I was never honest in my method of communication, I always expected him to read my mind, and when he didn’t, I would blame him for my unhappiness. My suggestions is to communicate with your loved one honestly daily. Tell your significant other what your needs and expectations are. There will be situations where you both will have to discuss a mutual agreement. Our spouses are not “mind readers”, they are not responsible for our happiness. YOU ARE!

One day, I started to make my marriage a priority, yes believe it or not! I realized that we are together to look after each other and the family we created together. This requires a consistent effort to make time for each other. Let your loved one that you are interested in him or her. Have realistic expectations; to maintain a healthy relationship we must see each other as whole people, with strengths and flaws. We are not perfect! We love each other regardless of our own idiosyncrasies. Be willing to see situations from your partner’s perspective and sometimes we have to make our partner’s wants and needs as important as our own.

Now, please do not think that every day is going to be perfect. Conflict and disagreement is going to arise, I am sure of it! Here’s what I believe: conflict is part of a healthy relationship. In a healthy relationship conflict is dealt with an open heart and in a respectful way, so that it strengthens the relationship rather than breaking it apart. In rough times in our marriage, we might be tempted to think, “Did I make the wrong choice? Did I pick the wrong person? Should I have chosen somebody else?” These thoughts will break down a marriage. Finding our “true love” is not about destiny, it’s about the work of choosing to love ourselves first every minute of every day. We have the power to make our spouse our “true love,” simply by choosing to do so.

What I am going to tell you next can be the “whopper challenge” in a marriage. Ready: “financial responsibility”. Couples share the decision-making about finances and come to an agreement on how they will handle finances that feels good to both them. Trust and flexibility is required in this part. Couples must accept and discuss a flexible solution and be proactive in their financial success. Both individuals must be open to discuss the “matter of money”. Both must educate and know what is going in your bank account, and know what is going out. Major purchases must be discussed and agreed upon before you act on it. If you act on it without discussing the purchase with your honey, be prepared for conflict. It is respectful to check in with your spouse first.

Here are some tips that have helped me along the way.

• Ask yourself…What can we do to have a happy, loving atmosphere in our home? • It’s give and take! Say and do as many things as possible to meet each others’ needs. Keep doing and saying things that will give your honey a sense of importance. • Before speaking, clarify the outcome you want. The meaning of your communication is the response you actually get. Remember that mutual respect and happiness is your ultimate goal and reality. Do not needlessly argue. Constantly be mutually respectful and loving to each other. • Be a good listener. Understand your loved one from his or her point of view. Be considerate of the feelings and needs of your spouse. • Give up unrealistic expectations. Do not expect your spouse to be perfect and do not make it a competition. • Do not use words to hurt each other. If your spouse speaks to you in ways that causes you pain, tell him or her to speak in ways that are mutually respectful. • Be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something you would rather not do in return for similar behavior from your spouse. • Keep thinking about what you can do to bring out the best qualities of your spouse. Reinforce those qualities with words and action. • Focus on finding solutions to any problems that arise. Do not discuss anything without finding a solution first. Do not just blame and complain. Do not focus on who is more wrong. • Remember your loving moments. What did you say and do when you felt best about each other? • Check in with each other. If you are both busy with work, children, house hold responsibilities, have a date night away from everyone and everything. • Live in the present. What went wrong in the past is in the past, forgive each other. You create the present and future with your thoughts, words, and actions right now! Choose them wisely.

As I grew up, and started taking care of my own needs. I came to know and understand that my “Marriage is Eternal”! I recognize and I am grateful that my marriage is a gift from God to help me and my husband grow in every life area that exists, together! A marriage fueled by love, will stand strong. Be committed and love each other. “Until death do us part”!

From my heart to your heart, God bless, Tina XO